Dealing with Feelings of Self-Blame

All children probably have feelings that they caused the divorce. Blanket reassurance that this is not the case, e.g. “You had nothing to do with this” or “Don’t worry its not your fault,” rarely works. It is important to bear in mind the following points:

(1) Children need the opportunity to talk about why they feel at fault and how they think they caused the divorce.

Open discussions are very important. Even troubling conversations are unlikely to create a problem, or make one worse, since the child is already feeling bad and guilty. Parents should help their children understand that adults are responsible for their own actions and decisions.

(2) Encourage each child to be very specific about what “I (the child) did” to cause the divorce and what “I (the child) might do” to fix it or stop it from happening.

Hearing your child(ren) describe what he/she/they think they have done in their own words, and acknowledging that point of view, makes it possible to respond sensibly and sensitively, rather than just offering blanket reassurance.

(3) If your child repeatedly attempts to bring both parents back together, consider whether he/she is feeling guilty about causing the divorce in the first place

The child who feels at fault will also feel responsible for righting the wrong. Just as they need to hear they didn’t cause the divorce, children need a clear statement from each parent that they can’t prevent it or reverse it.

(4) Don’t shut down a conversation if children are asking for more details.

Telling children “it’s too complex to explain” or “you would never understand the reasons for the divorce” may be transiently reassuring, but leaves them wondering whether they have the power to change their parents’ plans and whether the situation was worse than they could imagine.

(5) Help children develop an alternative explanation for what happened in the relationship between their parents that doesn’t make them the cause.

Children feel better when they can develop an explanation that makes sense to them that doesn’t put them in the middle. Parents need to acknowledge the reasons for the child’s concerns, … “Yes you are right, we do argue about your/TV habits/your clothes/ your friends and I can see why this makes you worried it is all your fault …,” Then when parents offer words of reassurance “…but you didn’t cause the breakup…” they are much more likely to be heard and accepted by the child.